#a bunch of my followers are probably also neurodivergent and can understand | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aihoshiino · 5 months ago

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Hey there! Love your analyses of Ai and ao3 fanfics! They're so good and you always bring interesting points to the table! I want to know your thoughts on something (it's possible that I sent this ask a while back but I have a feeling it never came through lol, my Tumblr/Internet be broken sometimes): In chapter 140 (not 100% canon, but I think the brought up subjects still resonate), page 5, Hikaru says that the student should come to the teacher, while Ai says don't just invite a man to your house. Do you think this has a link with their traumas? It also makes me wonder why exactly Ai would say something like that. Could it have a link with Ayumi's boyfriend (="man") that ogled her? I would like to know your thoughts on how this boyfriend would've affected Ai, her image on men or just relationships/sex in general. Would it even have a big impact on those factors? Thank you for your thoughts!

Thank you so much! 💜 Looking at my inbox I do think Tumblr just ate it the first time you sent this….. Functional webbed site……………..

Honestly it's so hard to know what to make of those HikaAi movie scenes in general but especially off the back of Hikaru being like "fake and gay lol" about it. The characterization feels additive and consistent with the real Ai and Hikaru but at least one of these scenes was written by an author who had literally never met them. And while they do communicate things to us about their respective baggage, it's complicated by the fact that this is in-universe fiction written by an in-universe author. So it's like - is this characterization Aka Akasaka is trying to communicate to us or characterization Yoriko Kichijouji is trying to communicate to the audience of 15 Year Lie? Both? It's a mess!

THAT SAID, Hikaru's "fake and gay lol" is explicitly challenged and undermined by the narrative and the whole point of the confrontation is slapping him with the fact that (among other things), he doesn't understand Ai half as well as he thinks he does. With that in mind and given that it doesn't directly contradict anything else we know about the real Ai, we can probably treat it as true enough for the purposes of using it as jumping off points for discussion.

I don't think Kamiki's line is super important on its own as its really just the setup for Ai's response - so the talk as a whole is really more about communicating things about Ai to us, through Hikaru's POV. And I think strictly in this context, Ai's line there is less to do with her mom and her experience growing up in Ayumi's house (I actually got the impression that the movie barely touched on that stuff? but I could be wrong) and more about her like… responding to other people's expectations without necessarily fully understanding them. I do think the specific way she phrases it is probably parroting something Ayumi may have said to her though - similarly to the way she calls her past self a 'nasty brat' in the Da Vinci interview which was just like… so pointed and unkind I can only assume it was something Ayumi called her in the past that just burrowed its way into her brain forever like that shit does.

Overall, it's part of a much broader pattern of behaviour on Ai's part of, as I've described it to friends, performing normalcy to the point of abnormality. She imitates the end of the "normal behaviour" process tree without understanding or following any of the steps that get there. I can't believe I'm reaching for this reference lol but I was rewatching a bunch of CJ the X vids last week and in their essay about Cat Valentine from the show Victorious, they describe some of the (certainly accidental) neurodivergent coding in Cat's character in a way that really pinged me as also speaking to the way Ai is also (much more intentionally) coded:

"[…] There's a big difference between following social procedure naturally and Attempting To Behave As One Might Act. […] She mimics convention, while fundamentally misinterpreting what part of convention is important in the first place."

That's really the cornerstone to a lot of Ai's behaviour - the combo of her social isolation and her neurodivergence means that she does not have the same frame of reference that most other people absorb from their peers and families as they grow up. So instead she just sort of… looks at the people around her, figures out what successful social interactions look like from the outside, and tries to replicate that to varying degrees of success.

Her argument with Nino is probably my favourite example of this - Nino is all but screaming at her to have a normal fucking human being conversation with her and Ai just sits there like ^_^ Nooooo don't be insecure your so sexy aha. no wonder nino wanted to kill her with a brick HGSJSSKS. And like - from an outsider perspective, you can see exactly why this happens! This is basically Ai short-circuiting because none of her usual scripted responses are resolving this situation. She defaults to the fawning response because she doesn't know what else to do, even though it should be clear it's making the issue worse.

It would be sooooo easy to just make this a one sided instance of Nino being cruel to her but it's really just the inevitable and unavoidable conclusion of Ai's instincts towards avoidance and fear of vulnerability. And it's not Ai's FAULT she's like that. it's learned behaviour. she is the way she is because allowing herself to be sincere and vulnerable only ever gets her hurt, but it still hurts her and the people around her as a result (like with Kamiki).

oh my god i'm like 5k words in and i haven't even touched the question you directly asked LSKDJKSSK. I MEAN, I ASSUME AT THIS POINT PEOPLE SEND ME ASKS LIKE THIS KNOWING THE RISKS OF GETTING AN ESSAY IN RETURN…

ANYWAY, I definitely think Ai's experiences growing up in Ayumi's house (incl. ayumi's pedo boyfriend lmao) were a huge part of why she ends up with such an utterly fucked concept of love and relationships. When I see people talking about this aspect of her character, I feel like it gets downplayed because the series itself is more about her life as an idol but her childhood is the literal foundation of everything that follows - Ai becomes an idol because she wants to know how to love people and be loved in return and the reason she's never experienced that is because of how Ayumi raised her and how she failed to protect Ai from and properly respond to Ai's narrow brush with that type of victimization.

It's hard to really say exactly how this specific incident impacted her with how little we know about how all that went down, but I definitely think it was part of a pretty consistent pattern in her childhood of having failed/toxic relationships modeled for her - there was All That with Ayumi's boyfriend but we also know that Ai's biodad was not in a relationship with Ayumi at the time Ai was growing up and that she saw him pretty infrequently. It's not hard for me to imagine that Ai's kind of wishywashy confusion as to wtf marriage even is expressed in 45510 is the result of seeing dogshit relationship after dogshit relationship fall apart in her formative years. And I definitely think The Incident (& Ayumi's reaction to it - she herself admits her behavior escalated as a result) probably planted the seed in Ai's brain of her being like… more aware of sex than she should have been at the age she was?

In fact, ironically, Hikaru's line about 'giving your body to body to receive love' was actually how I've always interpreted Ai - pretty much the entire time I've been brainrotted about her, my interpretation has always been that Hikaru was not her first boyfriend or sexual partner and that she had probably run through a couple of extremely fast burning short term relationships before they met.that escalated to physical intimacy very quick and burned out just as fast.

I don't necessarily have a ton of capital-E Evidence for this other than a line or two in the series and also just Vibes. Not only can abuse and neglect in childhood lead to premature sexual behaviour in teens (as a sort of attention/intimacy seeking mechanism) but Akane specifically pegs Ai as having obvious emotional imbalances typical of a person who engages in this kind of early sexual behaviour, but then notes that it settled down after she turned 15 and notes 'did she meet someone nice?', implicitly tying her improvement in behaviour to Kamiki - but then of course, that means her destructive behaviour can't have been the result of sleeping with him. In addition, the TL that was available for the manga when I was getting back into the series had Ai refer to Kamiki as an ex during their phonecall, implying she had more than one.

This is one of those things where like… if you are normal about this character it probably doesn't really matter but unfortunately for everyone else i'm insane ;SKFLSNMSLSMKA So stuff like this is really interesting for me to dig into. One of the things I find really fascinating about Ai that mostly exists in subtext and idk how intentional it even was on Akasaka's part is this sense of internalized shame and even disgust she has directed at her own body and sexuality. She calls herself 'dirty' and 'impure', and her final words to Ryosuke are her more or less apologizing to him for that - and idk, I think that aspect of her character (and OnK's ongoing refutations that Ai being 'dirty' in this way is in any way something she should have been rebuked or punished for) is that much more interesting if all that is the case vs the more straightforward and "pure" (for lack of a better word) version of events where she met Hikaru and they fell in love and had sex… if that makes sense.

Honestly Ai's relationship with like, sex and intimacy and sex in the context of a loving relationship being healing and reclaiming for her is one of those things I have so much fun writing in the context of RP and stuff but if I continued rambling about it here I would go on all day lol and this post is already so long. IN ANOTHER ASK, PERHAPS……..

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk asks #onk spoilers #ai hoshino #meta essays #csa mention #this one is so very rambly sorry everyone

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hellhoundmaggie · 2 years ago

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5 Songs

**Share 5 songs related to your current WIPs (art or writing related)

**If you don’t have a wip, you can share what you like about your top 5!

tagged by @cymatile, thank you cymatile

I usually don't listen to songs with lyrics when writing, because they're too distracting. Often I'll throw on that lo-fi hip-hop beats stream. But I will sometimes listen to a thematic song or two before writing to get in the proper headspace. And how convenient, I made up a playlist for my blorbo, Wayne Scarlethollow! Listen to it why doncha?

There are 13 videos on that list, but I will pick out my Top 5 songs from it and explain them! In no particular order:

1. Mx. Sinister (I Don't Know How But They Found Me)

And I'll get you yet (I'll get you yet) I've got to make you mine Just know I'm not the sinister type

Wayne kind of understands that he strikes people as creepy, but when he tries to be reassuring it just comes off as even creepier. But he's literally neurodivergent and a miner, so I'm willing to give him a pass. In fact, it's part of his charm.

2. I Will Possess Your Heart (Death Cab for Cutie)

How I wish you could see the potential The potential of you and me It's like a book elegantly bound but In a language that you can't read just yet

The way the instrumentals slowly build from a simple bass riff into an intense soundscape over more than four-and-a-half minutes before the vocals even kick in! Gives me chills, folks. Plus the stalker's smug condescension and certainty (or false bravado?) that he will earn his target's love captures Wayne's attitude to a T.

3. The Point of No Return (The Phantom of the Opera)

Past all thought of right or wrong One final question How long should we two wait before we're one?

If you watch the clip from the Royal Albert Hall's 2011 production of PotO, you'll understand why I picked this song. You all can see it, right? I firmly believe that events similar to the PotO scene will play out in Episode 6. Wayne will walk on in to Avery's party, letting the guests assume he's a guy with a bitchin' Halloween costume, and give MC a big ultimatum. MC must either leave their friends to the horrors and go with him to (relative) safety, or stay with them all and probably die. The drama!

4. Liebestod (Tristan und Isolde)

Do I alone hear this melody, which wonderfully and softly, lamenting delight, telling it all, mildly reconciling sounds out of him, invades me...

The final aria from Tristan und Isolde captures not only the tragic romance aspect of the Waynemance that I think the devs are building towards, but also how bizarre a Waynemancer MC must be to pass over a bunch of nice, conventionally-attractive people for a scary zombie man. Yes Sybil, Wayne is my friend and we're in love and I am drowning in his song and sweet smell. Why are you looking at me like that?

5. Under Attack (ABBA)

This is getting crazy, I should tell him so Really let my anger show Persuade him that the answer to his questions is a definite no (I'm kind of flattered I suppose)

"Stop following me! uwu" A bouncy 80s pop song is a fun way to close out a playlist full of heavy tracks and serious themes. And yet there's a haunting quality to this one. Again, I don't think the Waynemance is going to end well. But it's going to be a lot of fun, won't it?

Tagging @lytorika, @itsmewahoo, @nimbexy, @shanklinthestabpossum @kris-mage-fics. No pressure!

#wayne scarlet hollow #ask game #wip #fan playlist

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nonbinary-octopus · 4 years ago

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so this weekend is my usual bi-weekly grocery weekend, and so since I will probably be going out tomorrow (probably. still need to write a grocery list, but I definitely need to get food tomorrow or sunday), of course I went to check up on my mask situation.

There were two masks in the drawer where my masks are supposed to be, the flat, accordion style mask (I do not know what any of the mask shapes/styles are called), and the first one I made out of the same turtle flannel I used in the baby shark quilt, and the other I made with pink rose fabric with white fabric for the inside and the straps. I dunno if I ever showed or mentioned on here, but I made a double circle skirt a bit ago out of pink rose fabric, and white shorts to wear underneath, and that mask is made of the same fabric. But I don't really like going grocery shopping in them, cause they squish my nose and over the duration of a shopping trip it gets pretty sore. First masks I made, learning experience. Plus the rose one's a little small because I didn't measure too carefully. anyway.

in my laundry basket, one mask, of the kind that's made of two curved pieces of fabric sewn together, and it's got a pumpkin face on it. Sort of a reverse pumpkin face, it's black background with orange jackolantern nose and mouth. Got it at a cvs. (all my storebought masks (currently all of them but the two accordion masks but that will change) are from cvs.) I wore it to go down and get a package earlier today. probably should have worn one of the acordian masks since it was such a short trip but oh well.

so since I can't wear the comfy mask because it's in the laundry and obviously it has to be washed first before I put it on again, but I can't just do laundry to fix that because I did laundry yesterday and there's not enough dirty clothes for a load, and I don't want to wear the accordian masks because they're not comfortable, I went looking for my other masks.

went digging in my closet. specifically in the pile of clean clothes in my closet. it's not on the floor of my closet but only because I happen to have an extra bed in my closet and I dump my clean laundry on it. though now they're mostly on the floor because I had to move them off the bed to search. or at least the stuff that goes on hangers is in a pile on the floor. the stuff that goes in sorty bins by the door are now in the sorty bins by the door.

And I found one more mask! The first mask I bought from a store. It has dinosaurs on it. It's a flat mask, but it's not a rectangle, so it's more comfortable than the accordion masks. I dunno how that works exactly, but it does. Problem is it's kinda smallish and I don't feel like it quite covers my face as much as I'd like

I mean, I'm sure it's sufficient, it covers both my mouth and my nose, but if I open my mouth as wide as I physically can, I can get it past the edge of the mask

so I'm like. I know I have at least two other masks. There's the hexagons one (same cut as the pumpkin one), and the green one, which is a shaped mask, with a fold in the middle, a dart for the nose, and a chin triangle. (kinda the same resulting shape as a chin dart, but the seam is in a different place. requires more cutting AND more sewing, but it might be more comfortable?)

Problem is, I've gone through the entire thing of clean laundry, and they're nowhere to be found. So I'm thinking, okay, tomorrow morning, I need to make another mask, a comfy one. I'll use the pattern I made from the green mask. (Unfortunately, despite being a super comfortable shape, it's made of a kinda scratchy material I don't particularly enjoy touching my face, but fortunately, I spent a good portion of last saturday using it to make a mask pattern, which I then used to make a prototype out of my white mockup fabric. (it's not in the house right now, it's in a different state, but it was very comfortable and I will be making more.))

And then I remembered that I forgot my last load of laundry in the dryer, so I went and got it, and lo and behold, both missing masks were in there. So now there are SIX masks in my mask drawer, where they are supposed to be, and I will wear probably the hexagon one to go grocery shopping because it's the most comfortable one in the drawer

#original #I should be asleep #i just thought this would be interesting to tell #and I went on so many targets #tangents #but I do not care and I will not remove them #I did enough to make it more or less cohesive #you can just deal with it #this is hows my brain goes literally all the time #a bunch of my followers are probably also neurodivergent and can understand #anyway #masks #I might post pics of the fabrics I have to be like #which should I make a mak out of?#prolly gonna do another rose one but in the better pattern #and maybe a galaxy one #and maybe one with embroidery but idk #anyway goodnight #long post

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whumpster-fire · 3 years ago

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His Dark Materials Thoughts: Daemons and Disability / Neurodivergence

More stupid His Dark Materials thoughts and headcanons because I still can’t get over this series.

I’m really curious how various disabilities would interact with having a daemon. I’d guess that for a lot of conditions the daemon could basically fill the role of a service animal, especially if the person had the condition from childhood so they could settle in a form that was capable of helping - e.g. daemons assuming forms with strong senses of smell to check for allergens. And this would probably be true for some neurological conditions where there’s something physically messed up in your brain.

However, I think for neurodivergency, it’s different: if the human is neurodivergent their daemon is neurodivergent as well. And while a human and daemon are “one being,” daemons still have their own personalities and emotional needs.

Using autism as an example because I’m autistic and can speculate based on my own experiences:

Autistic people are usually very close to their daemons, even by the standards of the setting, because while anyone’s daemon inherently understands them better than other people do, the gap is much, much wider for ND people. Real talk, I think I was drawn to this series and the concept of daemons so strongly because the idea of a companion I could fully trust and interact with without the constant fear of breaking some unknown and unspoken rule and who fully empathized with me was something I wanted soooo badly.

A lot more sensory information is “transmitted” between human and daemon than most people notice because the brain tends to filter it out. Autistic people’s brains aren’t as good at filtering out “junk” sensory info though, and this includes what comes through over the bond between them. You can’t actually see through your daemon’s eyes but autistic people tend to feel shared sensations more intensely and pick up on things like smells and textures that a neurotypical brain would tune out (and this works in both directions). This makes autistic people more vulnerable to sensory overload than in our world.

Sometimes only one of the pair is verbal, or at least verbal with others / much more comfortable talking to others. If it’s the human, people tend to not notice because “daemons should be seen and not heard” is kind of the norm in the setting but if the daemon is speaking for the pair most of the time it’s seen as weird. Some autistic people may also be more comfortable talking to other people’s daemons than to the humans, which isn’t technically part of the taboo but it’s pretty frowned upon.

For both tactile-seeking and tactile-defensive people, the daemon’s settled form is often determined by the need for physical affection - either because as they grow into teenagers it becomes less socially acceptable to touch other people as much as they need to, or because the only touch that feels safe for the pair is with each other. A settled form doesn’t always follow the human’s preference, but is always a form the daemon is comfortable with and likes. Daemons settling in forms their human actively hates is rare, and usually means there was already serious conflict between them with the human refusing to accept their nature - i.e. sailors’ daemons usually take seabird forms or mammals like otters or minks that can stray away from the water, settling in a dolphin form was noteworthy for a reason because it’s such a drastic act, and IMO that was probably caused by the human trying to abandon the sea entirely and fighting with his own daemon about it until she was like “Let’s see you take us away from the sea now!”

But anyway: daemons don’t just settle in forms based on symbolism or social convention if it’s going to make both them and their humans miserable and/or mess up their relationship IMO, and usually they show a preference for forms similar to their settled one in the years leading up to settling (e.g. Pantalaimon clearly liked his stoat/ferret and wildcat forms and mostly took other ones for reasons of practicality and convenience, and I said this in another post but I think he became a pine marten because it was the closest he could get to combining the two). If a pre-adolescent human and daemon are super cuddly with each other and that touch is really important to them, the daemon will probably settle in a form that’s compatible with that. It’s rare for autistic daemons to settle as something as small as a mouse where they could only be carefully pet with one or two fingers, for example, and they usually take mammalian or sometimes avian forms.

Brushing a daemon’s fur, and other techniques such as joint compression that are hard for a person to perform on their own body, can help both of the pair calm down and cope with sensory issues.

Unfortunately, given how fucked up the culture in Lyra’s world is, I shudder to imagine how they treat neurodivergent people. I can totally imagine people treating this closeness as the cause of autism and not a symptom, and treating it as a child “being socially impaired because they only interact with their daemon / let their daemon do too much for them and never learn to socialize with other people.” Aside from attempting to cure autism with Intercision, there are probably a bunch of horrible, abusive treatments passed off as “therapy,” like forcing children to do therapy sessions with their daemon trapped on the other side of an opaque, soundproof wall (doesn’t interfere with their bond if it’s within the separation limit, but keeps them from seeing / hearing / touching each other), caging the daemon, muzzling them to keep them from speaking for their human, or even not letting them sleep in the same room.

Another common problem is parents / educators treating an autistic person’s daemon like a service animal and offloading their responsibilities on them. Just expecting them to handle something like a meltdown or panic attack by themselves because “You’re part of them, you understand them!” and ignoring that the daemon also has fears and anxieties and sensory issues.

Expectation: Your autistic child’s daemon understands them better than you ever could and will be able to quickly and discretely calm them down from a meltdown / sensory overload without you needing to get involved and actually do your job as a parent.

Reality: You have two autistic children who share a soul and feel each other’s emotions and pain, and one of them likely has at least one sense that’s way more sensitive than a human’s. They can certainly be a source of comfort and support to each other, and can pick up on each other’s warning signs and remind each other to use coping strategies / get out of stressful situations and not try to “push through,” but this is a skill that takes time and maturity to learn, and it only works before the pair are completely overwhelmed. As stated above autistic people feel sensations and emotions from their daemon extra-intensely, and vice versa. A full-on meltdown or panic attack is such an overpowering flood of negative emotions that, combined with the stress of whatever caused the meltdown in the first place, usually just overwhelms both partners, especially in children. The best you can hope for is whichever one holds it together a bit longer is able to help their partner into a safe place and ask someone for help. Even if the daemon (or human) doesn’t have a meltdown their emotional battery will still be absolutely drained for probably the rest of the day.

#His Dark Materials fandom #daemons #silly headcanons #autism #not whump

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quillsink · 3 years ago

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AIGHT WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE BLORBOS FROM MY MIND!! part 1/???

Okay so if you’ve followed me for a bit you’ve probably heard about my OCs. I have a Lot of them but the main three whom I love with all my heart are James, Alan and Chris!! Putting this under cut because it is Long as hell. Please send me asks about them I love them so fucking much

Okay so James, Alan and Chris are a trio of friends! I created them in January 2021. James is the most developed character and my personal fav (don’t tell alan and chris shhhh) he was the first one to be created! Alan, his best friend, followed and then Chris.

The trio are a group of low ranked soldiers in the Revolutionary War, all of the trio in their early twenties with Alan being the oldest at 25 and a half and James the youngest at 21/22/23 (haven’t decided his age yet rip).

All three have very different personalities although they all look like your average dude and they all bond over a bunch of shit especially mental illness and being queer (totally not projecting here. nope not at all)

Anyways enough rambling time to introduce them!!

In this post I’ll be talking about James, I’ll talk about Alan and Chris in other posts!

James Evans

JAMES, MY CHILD MT SWEET BABY BOY I WANT TO CRADLE THIS FULLY GROWN MAN AND KISS HIM ON THE FOREHEAD AND TUCK HIM INTO BED, HE IS MY BOY, MY SWEET CHILD, MY LVIE MY DARLING ANGLE CHILD I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR THIS MAN THAY I MADE UP

Okay now time to actually introduce him to yall!

James is your average mentally ill white boy, you can find millions of them in high school classrooms across America. He was born to a poor family and his parents were okayish but he basically fucked off and did his own thing like jon clark and then proceeded to be traumatised because I can’t let my OCs have nice things!

James is cis, he uses he/him, is the sort of guy who’s like “i do not understand what trans people are in the slightest but if anyone misgenders you i will push them into a river,” and yeah he’s pretty cool!! He’s gay and I basically coped with my internalised homophobia by projecting it onto him so yeah that fucked him up Badly.

I basically like invented him because I needed a gay character for a fic and then realised I accidentally gave him like, character traits, and now here I am over a year later still obsessed with this white guy I made up

Anyways him being gay is pretty central to his character, it reallt contributed to the alienation he faced growing up and this whole sense of being different from everyone else, it also made him more withdrawn but it also made him stronger and helped him learn how to endure the unendurable and being gay led to him making some reallt strong connections with some of his closest friends.

He has depression and anxiety and is some form of neurodivergent, probably adhd but he has no clue what is going on Up There except that he is Different and it fucked him up as a kid. He was bullied and teased a lot so he became reallt withdrawn and quite. He wasn’t like teacher’s pet gifted kid but he was decently smart and got through til tenth grade, then had to work to support his family.

Now, when he’s like 20ish, ✨ le amrev ✨ starts and this mf signs up to be a soldier because like idk why not. That’s his entire motto brosties hes literally just some guy. He wakes up and he does things and he’s gay and then he goes to sleep. That’s it that’s his life and that’s very sexy of him actually

Anyways he signs up for the army and so does our bestie Alan. Alan and James are very very different but they end up becoming besties and James being the gay idiot (affectionate) that he is ends up falling head over heals for this depressed mf and spends his days being gay for Alan! They’re very close friends and I haven’t decided when they met yet, childhood or teens or army but ah well

Anyways onto James’s personality! He is my sweet baby boy and I love him very much in case I have not made that clear! Anyways he is Anxious. A lot. All the time. And he’s a major people pleaser as well and he often puts others before himself to his detriment at times until alan is like motherfucker take care of yourself

James is also one of the victims of something I like to call the great depresso and he’s had it since he was like twelve but he’s just like vibing at this point. Like yeah I hate my life and I want to (redacted) sometimes but idk life’s pretty neat. Depression is shitty for him and he can be pessimistic at times

but at the end of the day he is an optimist and he always finds hope in *everything* to the point where alan is like brostie if you don’t stop being happy then you’ll cute mt depression and the one steady thing in my life will be gone and james is like well what about me and they have an awkward gay moment

ALAN AND JAMES’ DYNAMIC THO >>>>> i love them sm it’s unreal i will literally just think about them. like just have thoughts about them. like literally.

I’ll talk abt that later after I introduce Alan’s character!

OKAY NOW. AN IMPORTANT PART. JAMES AND LAURENS!!

James and John are like, besties and I love their dynamic so fuxking much. I would kill to see the two of them interact like i fucking love them so much you don’t even understand.

Anyways James and my interpretation of John are very very similar. Both very withdrawn very quiet very repressed desperate for affection sensitive affected really badly by homophobia internal and external dont trust very easily. They bond instantly and there is something there and they don’t really know what it is bevause it’s like they’ve never met anyone else so similar to them before. They’re like brothers.

The two of them have a quiet understanding. They can wander the woods for hours and say barely a few words but they understand, one heart can speak to another if they are designed to fit together. They met and they....clicked. It took time for both of them to learn to trust the other and realise the other wouldn’t betray them and report them for being gay but soon they’re the closest of friends. And then John fucking dies

Also like the dynamic between James and John is entirely platonic btw they don’t have any romantic feelings for each other, they’re like soulmates but platonic

Also I cannot understate how much I love James and John silently wandering the woods together. The woods are very very important for James and Alan and to John too and James and John find a shared peace in this. They just wander the woods for hours on end John lying down with his eyes closed head resting on a log James staring up at the canopy watching the sunlight filter through asking John why God invented sunlight John saying because he needed a place to put love.

Wait that was oddly poetic

Anyways James james james. James my sweet beloved boy. James james james anxious smiles hugging his best friend coming to terms with being gay nervously approaching people he thinks are cool laying in grass fields wooden cabins soft breezes James. James mt angel darling child. I would die for this man. *shakes you by the shoulders* DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM

#oh my god that was so fucking long #aryan talks #james evans #james alan and chris #james and alan #james and john #my ocs

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laynemorgan · 2 years ago

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Hi Layne! So since I've learned so much from following you all these years I thought I'd pick your brain... I know this is probably a hard one to answer, but I've been thinking a lot about how we constantly grow and learn and change the way we see the world and others (those of us who are willing to anyway)... and I've been following the emu lady and recently saw posts on twitter about ignorant racist things she said in the past. So evidently a lot of people including myself prefer not to give a platform to that kind of person.

But it got me thinking that on some level we have to give people a chance to evolve and redeem themselves, but there's not much space for that on social media. Like I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 1 year ago... In these times when everything online is so permanent, how do we keep each other accountable while still giving each other space to learn and grow? I'd love to read your thoughts on the subject!

PS : sorry if my ask is not that clear, English is not my first language!

Hey! This is such a good question thanks for sending it. Honestly it's not something I have a clear answer to and I think that's one of the things that makes the internet so complicated is that nuance here is hard and everyone wants a clean rule to answer everything and that's unfortunately not always how it works.

I also recently saw Taylor's racist past and was definitely disappointed and unfollowed. I've not noticed if there have been any updates after that like apologies or a statement but if there have been, let me know! But I think what you said is important, which is removing that person's platform if we can not trust their voice or intentions.

As for whether or not we give room for people to change, I think it's in large part about having change that we can see or hear. In the case of Taylor I have no idea if she still stands by what she did, if she'd defend herself, if she's different now, if she's learned better. I've not really seen her do any political advocacy or do anything that leads me to believe she has better stances. So it's hard to say whether or not there's been growth.

But I think if someone has made statements or done ignorant things in the past that they address and have clearly made a change since then that's obviously different? I remember reading Florence Pugh's really astute apology addressing some cultural appropriation and felt that it was really earnest and believable especially given that she IS a very vocal advocate for injustice and is clearly not someone who would want to hurt anyone and she was doing the work to make sure that she didn't again. Like that to me is important?

Also worth noting that I think as a white person, it's not really our place to decide if someone has changed or not. Like if the majority of Black Twitter is saying that Taylor can go and are hurt by what she's done, there's no reason for me to start advocating that maybe she's changed. Especially right in the aftermath of that hurt. That said, if plenty of people of color have accepted and understand Florence Pugh's apology and have moved on to letting it go and supporting her anyway or what have you then I'm not going to make it my mission to try and prove to everyone that I'm a better white person than her or yell about how she's still problematic because to me, that just feels like making racism about us. Obviously "that person has a Black friend" is never the answer but in a way I think that if a bunch of people of color whose opinions you trust and support are okay with someone then it's probably okay. That's definitely something I try to use as a meter when the hurt is not something that effects me.

If it is something that effects me like with LGBT issues or issues about women or neurodivergence then in that case I use my own best judgement personally and I hope that people who are not effected by it as personally are listening. I tend to give people a little more grace because I do believe people change but I'm not interested in giving grace to people who show no desire to change or do nothing to suggest they have.

One of the things I think about is also like ignorance versus hate. And OF COURSE ignorance is rooted in hate and it is rooted in racism but is something a badly informed mistake or is it outright hate. There's a difference between my mom using the wrong words with she talks about trans people who she would never do anything to hurt and genuinely supports and like... JK who has had it explained to her over and over saying trans women are predators who should never exist. So when it comes to mistakes that are ignorant or just uninformed I try to explain and often times people are defensive and don't get it right away but eventually they do. And that I have a little more grace for. None of us are perfect. We all grow and change and learn things. My parents have said and done some ignorant shit in their lives. They also always vote liberal and believe in all the same things I do. They just don't know as much about what's going on. So I explain it to them. My mom's quicker to understand, my dad often doesn't but I know him well and I trust his heart is in the right place and I try to help him understand slowly. In most cases it's worked. And I think as white or cis people that's another really important thing for us to do. I'm not saying "let your loved ones be racist/ignorant" i'm saying if you can work to help people change, it's definitely important to do that. We're better off creating a world where everyone has learned than a world where we ice out every person who fucks up and create poles. ESPECIALY becuas cis people, white people, etc like we're all going to fuck up. There's nO WORLD where I believe another white person has never said something harmful or believed something that was rooted in racism even if they didn't know it, or had bad opinions when they were younger or done stupid shit. I mean I remember being young and not understanding why it was important to dream cast a mixed race person as mixed race. I just thought it was okay to cast them as black or white. That's ignorant!!!! I was clueless! And I definitely doubled down and was like 'what are you guys talking about?? what else am i supposed to do!?' YIKES. I'm pretty sure MOST OF US have done and said racist/ignorant/stupid shit. Especially those of us who were active on the internet 10+ years ago when people were unfortunately not as informed as they are now. I know this is probably wild for a lot of younger people to know but the shift toward social justice we've seen in the last 10 years in terms of the public being WAY MORE INFORMED is HUGE. When I was in high school this information was BARELY around. It's one of the great things the internet has done. So I try to keep that in mind too. Like when it comes to shit that happened in the past.

I was listening to a few of my friends who are both asian talking recently about how it's difficult when white people are the ones refusing to let people grow because that ultimately doesn't help them. It just makes it harder to deal with issues of racism that come up. And how in their eyes it quickly turns into white people making racism about them and using it to try to prove they're the better white person which is ultimately not something anyone needs. It's important to use our voices to advocate but important to not become the problem in doing so. BUT AGAIN this is a nuanced thing and varies from situation to situation. So it's complicated and it requires using our own judgement.

Anyway this has gotten so long. And I'm happy to hear if any of this sounds bad or anyone else has opinions that may be clearer or more helpful. When it comes to "has this person changed" I always just trust my gut and try to keep these three things in mind:

is the person sorry? have they apologized? does the apology ring true? Do their actions and the life they are living make it clear that this was more of a poorly informed ignorant mistake than their actual worldview? Do they admit and know it was wrong?

Has the community they hurt continued to let them in and/or do those people see the change? I mean the community at large here. There will obviously always be some people who don't want to and that's okay. Or has the community at large said that this person has not changed and they're not comfortable with it and thus in forgiving them am I accepting an apology that isn't mine to accept?

In issues of race or issues that don't hurt me directly am I making my advocacy about me? Am I just trying to prove that I'm the better white person or am I being helpful to the community they've hurt. Am I weaponizing cancelling someone to make myself feel better or more powerful and in doing so am I making racism about me?

ANYWAY again this is all nuanced and I'm sure every single thing I'm saying here can be the wrong answer in some cases and the right answer in others. I think it's super fucking important to hold people accountable. And I also think it's super important to make sure we let people grow becuase ultimately letting people grow will be how we're able to form the biggest army possible. At the end of the day, I'm white, cis, able bodied, non-religious so there are a lot of issues that are not mine. As a lesbian and a woman among some other stuff, there are some issues that are mine. I always try to handle them how I would want people to handle things that hurt me and listen when that isn't the case and I think always approaching things with the intent of being helpful and willing to change our approach is the only answer we can have. It's a constantly moving culture and a constantly changing world and we are constantly changing people.

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silvysartfulness · 3 years ago

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I've gotten a whole bunch of new followers since I started making The Untamed content about a year ago, and I think it may be a good time to introduce myself and this blog to the newcomers.

Hi! ♥

I'm glad you find this chaotic mess entertaining enough to want to stick around!

That said, if you don't feel comfortable with who I am and/or what I post, just unfollow at any time, no explanations needed.

I'm Silvy, I'm a Fandom Old, 40+, and have been involved in online fandom since the late 90ies.

I'm neurodivergent, Aspie/ADHD and some spare change. I hyperfocus on things, and love to analyze fictional characters and tropes, especially things to do with the messiness and complexities of human nature and emotion. At the moment, as should be obvious, I live in the The Untamed universe, especially the Yi City corner. (You don't get emotions much messier and more complex than that!)

I have always been fascinated by ”villains” - the people who don't act like others do, who are different, and who hurt people, sometimes without meaning to. (Sometimes very much meaning to.)

I love redemption arcs. I've grown to realize there's a this recent phenomenon happening online where people claim certain fictional characters don't ”deserve” them. I think that's utter bullshit, and an extremely negative and destructive mindset to have. People should always have the chance to change and do better. Everyone makes mistakes. Some worse than others. But while no one ”deserves” forgiveness, unless it's freely given, everyone should have the chance to change, move on and be better.

I have always been fascinated by fiction as a medium to explore the messiness of humanity. Of how people hurt each other and heal each other and grow either way. The mess of who people end up loving, or hating, or - bittersweetly - both at once. In my opinion, that is the very purpose of fiction – the mirror held up to explore our own humanity, without suffering any of the negative consequences of reality. Yes, that includes the really problematic stuff. Yes, all the problematic stuff. Fiction is not reality.

I have 100% understanding for people who don't want to watch or read certain things – don't self-harm by engaging with content and creators that makes you angry and upset! I also have 0% patience with people demanding others conform to their particular standards of purity. It's everyone's responsibility to curate their own online experience. Haters will be blocked.

I'm queer (no, queer is not a slur.) Non-straight, asexual, married to another woman for 6 years now. I'd say a majority of my best friends are trans or otherwise non-cis. If you’re cis and find trans/non-binary/intersex/non-gender conforming etc people strange and frightening, by all means – stick around! I reblog quite a lot of trans-positive content. Maybe it'll offer insights! Any TERF-rhethoric will be blocked and shut down on sight, though. This is a safe space.

I'm Swedish. Socialism works. Just saying. 👍

These are simple facts – if any of the above is a dealbreaker, just click unfollow and everyone will probably be happier in the long run. :)

The less problematic stuff: I'm a professional illustrator, though currently on more or less permanent sick leave. Despite sometimes crippling social anxiety, I also ended up teaching art classes - Life Drawing and Concept Art - at the local university, and was often told I was one of their most popular and well-liked guest teachers. I'm self-taught as a writer, though I am a sponge when it comes to prose and language, so for any skills I have picked up over the years, I can only thank those whose works I have read throughout my life.

I like trying my hand at most creative crafts; painting, woodcarving, glasspainting, pewter pouring, looking to try out resins soon maybe..? I take tons upon tons of pictures. If you know me better, you have probably been exposed to my random ”Look at pretty thing X I saw today!” photo-assault. (It's a love language. ♥)

I used to study archaeology at university for years, before sidling over into a creative career as a museum-illustrator, and then onward to other projects from there. It's amazing what a 100.000+ year view on humanity will do for your sense of perspective! People are people. People have always been people. We are all one people - and diversity in culture, ethnicity and language is one of the most beautiful arts of our human race. Our differences and samenesses always to be equally celebrated. (Now if we could only get better at looking back and learn from previous civilizations' mistakes so we'd stop repeating them...)

I like cats. And betta fish. And purple roses (I used to collect purple rose cultivars, before I got too fatigued to be able to take care of my garden properly. Some still live! Rhapsody In Blue is a trooper, if you want a really hardy purple rose! They can even live in pots, if you don't have a garden.)

(See, I told you I could never resist a chance to share a photo...)

I am very, very forgetful. I got my neurodivergence diagnoses very late in life, and by then my brain was so burned out, it's permanently damaged. Fatigue, memory problems and concentration issues are things I always struggle with. If I ghost you, it's not because I'm upset or dislike you – I either missed your message, or forgot about it, or just didn’t know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm trying my best. ♥

I believe in kindness.

I try to be kind and understanding, and meet others with patience. It's taken me a lifetime fraught with generous amounts of trauma to learn to feel strong, comfortable and mostly at peace with myself, and I have very little interest in conflict or drama.

That's about it, Silvy all summed up.

Wishing all you a happy weekend!

#long post #longpost

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autisticbutterfly · 3 years ago

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Hey! I need some advice, how do I tell my parents I think I'm neurodivergent? Like, everytime ADHD comes up in something, I feel identified. It's like, I can relate myself heavily on those things.

I remember in seventh grade, that I was always so distracted, I couldn't see a fly pass beside me because I would follow it around. That same year, my dad used to yell at me and try to offend me by saying "Should we get you tested for ADHD or what?" That was the first time I ever heard the term. Of course, at the time I had no idea what it was.

Last year, I had to go to a therapist because my mental health was shit. I asked her, behind my parents back, if she could test me for ADHD. She looked at me weird before agreeing. I had to wait two whole weeks just for her to get the test. Anyways, so I make the test, right, and I wait another two weeks for the results. By the time I get them, she tells me that I don't have ADHD because, and get this, I was too smart to have ADHD. That it was mostly on boys. That I was too calm to have ADHD. That my distraction is because I'm a woman. Of course, me being a people pleaser made no comment, but that didn't mean I take that test as the reality. The woman was too stereotypical so I just don't count the test.

So, anyways, I continue digging up and I come across autism. I knew a little bit of autism, enough for a bit of conversation, but I wanted to know more. So I did. The more I read, the more things I could identify with myself. Some things like rocking myself, sensory issues, not liking physical affection unless I start it, not sitting still, repeating one song inside my head for hours, stimming, will get stressed if things are not done the way I want them to, sometimes not understanding social cues, meltdowns. I didn't think of it for a while, thinking it was just my head making assumptions, but everyday I notice more and more. So, I took various of those online tests (my parents can't take me to another therapist (actually the last one it was my grandma who paid it) so online is the best I've got) and every single one of them said I have strong likelihood for Autism.

Now, I don't take the online tests as a formal diagnosis, but it does make me think. Many things about myself would be answered if the online tests are right. Thing is, when I mentioned to my mom about me thinking I might have ADHD, she told me to stop saying stupid things and brushed it off. She is adamant of getting my baby cousin tested for autism (we really believe he's autistic, but his parents are in denial), but I know she won't do it if I ask her about me. And my dad will be no help.

I really want to get tested because even if online tests say there is a big possibility of me being neurodivergent, I feel wrong by the fact I already think of myself as neurodivergent. Anyways, thank you for dealing with my rant. Thank you in advance.

Hello!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that, I know how hard it can be because of all the stigma around this subject. It's nice that you could find something you feel like fits your experience, like ADHD, as in my opinion, interacting with the community can be a good way to help you in this journey.

I'm sorry that your therapist had so many misconceptions about it. Unfortunately, that is quite common even among professionals. I had a bunch of neuropsychologist tests done and the person who assessed me concluded that I was definitely autistic, but that I also had many traits of ADHD, including severe deficit in all types of attention, but still the doctor who would officially diagnose me said that the attention part wasn't right, it was probably just my anxiety, because of my level of intelligence (which isn't even that high). It's very infuriating, not only because having trouble with attention does not mean low intelligence, but also because they keep valuing high intelligence over many neurodivergencies as if they were mutually exclusive. I understand why you wouldn't want to consider that test result. I only accepted the documents from that doctor because he at least gave me an autism diagnosis (which he couldn't really deny), and that was enough for me to get the accommodations and answers I was looking for at the time.

Online tests, like you said, are nothing official, but they can definitely help those in the process of self-diagnosis. I'm sorry your mom has reacted that way. Still, since she is trying to get your cousin assessed, she's at least somewhat aware of and has some knowledge about these disorders, so maybe (and I'm not saying she is in the right here) that's just because she's your mom. I've learned from experience that when it comes to things that still have so much stigma around them, such as disabilities, it can be harder for people to acknowledge it in people that are close to them, like immediate family for example.

Since I don't know your mom I can't guarantee that this is going to work, but maybe you could try pointing out some traits of ADHD or autism (or both, even), like "Oh did you know that x is also an adhd/autism trait?" and you can try linking those to things that you normally do or used to do. Try easing her into the idea. Maybe if you start to notice any changes, you could even try to show her some of those online tests, and try to show her that you really think there's a possibility you're neurodivergent.

I hope things go well for you! And there's nothing wrong with thinking your neurodivergent. It's completely valid, you've done your research and you could relate to many things, so you might be! And even if you're not, it's okay! You would've learned a lot more about yourself and about neurodivergencies, so it would be a win/win situation!

I hope this was helpful for you and anyone else reading this, and I with you all the luck!

#long post #butterfly interacting #rambling butterfly #ask me anything #anonymous #advising butterfly

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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New Wartwood, Friend or Frobo!

This was ANOTHER great episode you guys, two exciting things culminating, and I just… YES!

I love how a recurring theme in both parts of this episode is two strangers who are added to the Plantar family and status quo in Wartwood (I mean Marcy technically isn’t a stranger but she’s a new addition in terms of permanence), and how both episodes have the townsfolk react suspiciously! The people of Wartwood calling back to Anne’s own destruction was neat, it was nice to see Anne guide someone else through the same things she went through, except Marcy doesn’t quite have to do it alone- And Marcy herself seems pretty mature! All things considered, it wasn’t like she just chose to renovate the town against everyone’s wishes, she was following Mayor Toadstool… Which granted, she should’ve listened to Anne’s warning, but still!

In general, I like how this episode has both the gags of the townspeople being ready to be an angry mob, but also there’s this sense of… Newcomers like in the beginning of the show, except we have a more developed Plantar family to help them through it! It’s incredibly sweet and I love it… And I’m SO hyped to see Marcy and Frobo interact more, I was looking forward to her reaction to them- And I want to see the two bond over being the newcomers to Wartwood, as recent adoptees to the Plantar family, more or less, etc.! I want to see Marcy freak out over Frobo and help them explore their abilities and function, and add her own knowledge and research…

…But I AM wary of Marcy inevitably writing back to Andrias about the whole thing. Goodness, what if Frobo is broken down for spare parts, or used to help power and heal his master? Is there some connection, would Frobo recognize the Night- Will the Night possess Frobo like Calamity Ganon with the Guardians? We already have so many Breath of the Wild parallels, in addition to Frobo having destructive laser beams… We could get a tragic Iron Giant plot, with Frobo struggling against the Night, maybe even a permanent destruction! That’d really hurt, while also providing more context and background to what the Night was capable of and probably did, what happened in the past, etc.!

I like how Marcy had the maturity to learn to apologize herself, instead of hiding behind Anne- And it’s neat seeing how she tries to earn love with big, grandiose gestures… I wonder if she learned this from Sasha? Who seems like the kind of person who’d make friends by doing things for people, given how rich she is and how kids are invited to her parties and so forth; And what with it being part of Sasha’s manipulative nature, innocent Marcy picked up on it? Thought this was normal? OH DANG, that could be a toxic trait she learned from Sasha, and we could see her unlearn Sasha’s toxicity the way Anne did! Again, it’s fascinating to see this same storyline redone but with a different character, it’s almost like watching an AU but within canon!

Also, I know Toadstool insisted that he wouldn’t learn, but he went out of his way to try to vouch for Marcy at least a little, or at least take his part in the blame; And what with his upcoming redemption episode, it’s neat to see him slowly grow as a character too! Again, I liked the callbacks and seeing Anne become more of a seasoned veteran whose seen things for people, like how she warns Marcy about Toadstool’s schemes… But just in general, like how she lectures Sprig and Polly about how they need to know Bessie’s story to drive her, and so forth! It’s this proud sense of people growing up, and then passing things on to the next generation, a passing of the torch and maturity!

Speaking of which- We also get to see that with Polly! Polly learning to be an older sibling to Frobo is great, that’s such a neat idea we’ve never seen before, and it adds to her character’s development as she continues to appreciate what others have to go through with her! I like how Frobo is technically younger than Polly in a sense, but also incredibly destructive like her, so you got the baby siblings being destructive… And again, seeing our main cast teach others is incredibly heartwarming, it makes the journey feel all the more well-rounded and nostalgic; We’re seeing how they’ve grown by watching how they become mentors to others, I love this SO much!

Also, I like how Marcy and Hop Pop are getting along more! We got a glimpse of this beforehand, but now we’re really getting into it, especially with Marcy’s fascination with Wartwood- I think it’s neat the detail of it essentially being a bunch of buoyant sod and topsoil placed over swampwater! It doesn’t add much beyond the peril of this little episode, but it’s very neat worldbuilding and a fun concept, and it reminds me of how some cultures created floating gardens! Which, fits Wartwood being an agricultural society, and it just fleshes out how the Amphibians manage to interact with the wild and cultivate it more, it’s so fun! I wonder if this subterranean swamp has anything to do with the various animals we see… Were the herons attracted to the water and perhaps fish beneath? Those monstrous lampreys that flooded the basement, was that from the swamp below? It’s all incredibly fascinating worldbuilding with so much fun, neat implications, I’m genuinely obsessed with it!

But, back to Marcy and Hop Pop- It’s neat that Hop Pop is finding someone who can appreciate his old-fashioned interests more… It feels like this family is becoming more fulfilled and less lonely as people find each other and bond, fulfill one another in different ways! This old frog is being understood more and more, and now he has a fellow nerd! I’d love to see Marcy learn how to drive Bessie, and I like that Hop Pop has another human stranger who’s enriching his life, and acting as someone he can count on to help him with his grandkids, an older child he can relate to! It just warms my heart after seeing him get along with Anne during the trip back to Wartwood, the more the merrier! And it’s incredibly sweet that Marcy gets the Fwagon all to herself… Which again, would make it hurt if it got destroyed, but whatever;

My point is, it’s neat how this journey in this home that brought them to Marcy, it ends up being for her too! It’s like the journey hasn’t quite ended yet, they brought someone back with them… And Marcy gets to sleep where Anne slept, get to live where the others lived! It just feels incredibly heartwarming and it’s such a kind and homely, nostalgic gesture… Again, she really feels more like a part of the family, so I can see things changing where Marcy doesn’t just want to be with Anne, but the rest of the Plantars too! Seeing her develop her relationship with them is great.

Again, I’d like to see Marcy maybe interact with Sprig and Polly more too- Maybe she and Polly can bond over liking Frobo? Frobo and Polly become friends? And while Frobo as an individual does not concern me in regards to intentions; Their design is a bit sus, given the eye-lasers. Though, Amphibia is such a dangerous place that Frobo having defensive capabilities makes sense… But the idea of there being an entire army of Frobos, many of whom could’ve gone destructive and ravaged Amphibia? Genuinely terrifying with how powerful, with such a diverse range of abilities, that Frobo has- They could lift all of Stumpy’s casually! Again, like the Guardians from Breath of the Wild…

But yeah, it’s really fun these evened-out, pairings among the family now; You have Sprig and Anne… Hop Pop and Marcy… And Frobo and Polly! But also, Marcy and Anne are close to one another as well, Hop Pop has everything with his pre-existing kids… So it’ll be fascinating to see Frobo adjust, and maybe see Marcy try her hand at being a guide to them as well! Maybe they can both bond over being clumsy and not meaning to cause accidents, but also being adept and having a wide range of skills, and perhaps being seen as ‘robotic’ in the sense that they don’t understand social cues and are figuring them out… It’d be SUCH a neurodivergent mood! Then we have Anne, Marcy, and Frobo being the local freak shows and adopted family, Hop Pop, Polly, and Sprig the ‘normals’ acclimating them to Wartwood, etc.!

All in all this was another fascinating episode, in terms of character dynamics, themes, the development of our protagonists getting to shine, glimpses into lore, changes to the status quo… It’s all wonderful, I knew I’d love this episode, but WOW it was good! Animation for Frobo was superb and I loved Marcy’s outfit from Toadstool, and Mrs. Croaker’s little joke about being suspicious with Marcy for a while, it reminds me of the fandom in a meta sense! Here’s looking forward to the next one, F-Anne’s!

#amphibia #amphibia marcy #marcy wu #amphibia frobo #amphibia polly #polly plantar #amphibia toadstool #mayor toadstool #wartwood #analysis #speculation

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actuallyadhd · 4 years ago

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Recently I became friends with someone who's autistic and knows a lot about neurodivergency. They keep saying that I show a lot of signs of ADHD, like A LOT of signs. Now I'm starting to think I might have ADHD, I looked up symptoms, and I've watched people with ADHD talk about it and I relate to almost all of it. I don't want to self-diagnose myself because I know that people hate that, and I don't want to be wrong. That's also why I don't want my parents to know. Please help, what do I do??

Sent February 10, 2021

Start with this post (https://actuallyadhd.tumblr.com/post/117637029570/adhd-self-diagnosis). It’s our post about how to do a self-diagnosis. That’s always the first step anyway.

If you’re really sure, that means you have problems with a bunch of things, and you would probably benefit from accessing treatment and/or assistance with your symptoms. If you want to get a formal diagnosis and you’re not able to do that on your own, you’ll have to talk to your parents about it.

However, you don’t have to tell them that you think you might have ADHD.

Instead of telling them that you think you have ADHD and want to get assessed, talk to your parents about the actual struggles you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. They’ve probably noticed these things anyway, but they may not have put it all together to realize just what’s going on. If you pull it all together and lay it out clearly, using practical examples of the challenges you face, and then ask them if you can look into getting an assessment to find out what’s causing all these issues, they’ll probably understand that you need help and look into getting you a referral to a clinician.

Followers, do you have any suggestions for this anon?

-J

#Anonymous #ADHD #Actually ADHD #asks #questioning if ADHD #queue

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vivifrage · 4 years ago

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To my younger followers, or anyone who needs it:

Growing up and growing old isn’t a bad thing. I know there’s a contingent of folks here who’ll say you’re only Pure and Good when you’re a minor, and a bunch of you are probably caught between them and older “grow up and be mature” folks. And that’s never a fun place to be.

I just wanna say that like, becoming an adult doesn’t automatically condemn you to becoming a bitter, hurtful person. It doesn’t mean you’re damned to a life of constant drudgery and shallow or abusive relationships.

Being an adult doesn’t mean everything is a breeze, of course, but it’s not “either you’re brilliantly happy or constantly miserable” either. Sometimes you’re just chugging along, doing your thing, and that works out just fine. Sometimes you’re not immediately where you want to be, and sometimes you lose what was a good thing. It happens! It doesn’t mean there won’t be anything good to come, or that you can’t be confused and lost.

But, y’know, you don’t automatically become toxic to all your high school friends the moment you turn eighteen. Heck, I’d bet most folks turn eighteen when they’re in high school. You don’t have to burn all your bridges just because one day, you were seventeen, and then the next, you were not. That’s just going to set you up for being scared and isolated right when you’re going through some huge life transitions.

And growing up doesn’t mean being isolated in terms of communities, either. Again, you might not find things immediately, but just in terms of queer/LGBT folks (since that’s what I’m most experienced with), there’s so many queer people out there that are just kinda... living their lives. I know adults who are polyam, who are ace, nonbinary and trans, who are gay and lesbian and queer in general. I know neurodivergent adults (one coached me in time management at work!), adults of color, adults of varying religions. (I also know a lot of nerdy adults. Benefits of being in a tech company.) You don’t have to give up or “grow out of” any part of your identity. Even if it feels complicated and hard to explain. Because even if there’s nobody just like you, there are people who will seek to understand you.

Turning eighteen doesn’t mean your life’s over. Nor is it over at twenty five, thirty, forty, fifty, eighty, and so on. You’re not going to become mean and cruel and boring overnight. You’re not walking into a lifetime of inane misery. Yes, there may be obstacles, and some of them may be mighty, but look at how much changes in a matter of decades, or even years. There can always, always be something to look forwards to.

(I know some of y’all are gonna want to be negative or say I’m naive or be like “oh but this isn’t true for me.” Yeah I know shit may suck! And things may continue to suck! But how you treat other people isn’t dictated by age, it’s dictated by you, and again, so much changes in the decades of a human lifespan. Even a nice ball of yarn or sunrise or a crisp breeze on a hot day is a nice thing.)

#jaxx rambles #sorry about that i am just thonking

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clarenecessities · 5 years ago

Text

so shit’s fucked

here is a timeline

09/03/2019.

two people in a 70 person server discuss the SU movie in the general chat channel, using spoiler tags because it had just recently been released. this lasts five posts.

09/07/2019.

alyson comes into the general chat channel and says man, isn’t it a bummer that SU is n*zi apologia and racist and actively harmful?

Donnie says yes, it’s harmful, but drop the n*zi comment because RS is jewish (alyson does not, then or the other two times donnie asks, despite donnie being jewish himself). He later says he doesn’t care about SU at all

Synth says it’s understandable that people would drop the show because of poor handling or the racism issues, but agrees that n*zi is too far when there’s genuine propaganda out there

Beta says yes, the writers could have handled things better, but reducing the message of the show to “n*zi good” is a deliberate misinterpretation

A fourth person comes in briefly to say they also don’t care about SU and that this should probably be in the discourse channel.

About halfway through the conversation, after his second request to stop calling SU apologia was met with a sourceless insistence that other jewish people criticized it (though alyson did not specify whether they used the term n*zi apologia), Donnie told her she was taking this very personally, which Alyson met with “Am I? I said a thing, said it was unpopular, and left it. and then got swarmed?”

At this point she held ~46% of the conversation.

She then abruptly left, saying, “like. Hooooboy, there's so much assuming and passion and defensiveness going on here, so I guess I'll leave since I've seen this all before and know for a fact that no one is going to let it rest.“

She held 41% of the final conversation. Everyone who weighed in was either explicitly open to criticizing SU or completely indifferent, and were simply asking her not to refer to the work of a Jewish nb woman as n*zi apologia.

09/10/2019

Alyson writes a post. The introduction is more or less “if you uncritically like SU, unfollow me” and goes on to say she underestimated how few people in the neopets fandom recognize its harmfulness. She says she’d been thinking about leaving the Neolodge discord for a while, but her mind was made up on the 3rd when she saw "a lot of hype and support" (5 posts), four full days before she posted in the general chat. She says she "was swarmed by questions asked by people who didn't want to hear [her] answers." (there were two questions asked of her: “did you just kind of want to get mad at us for enjoying steven universe?” and “were you venting?")

She says that SU is her “litmus test” of sorts, implying--possibly by accident--that she was then testing the Neolodge by dangling some SU-discoursey bait.

The post was tagged #the problem isn’t liking a thing and #it's denying anyone from not-liking it for very valid reasons

Except the problem was demonstrated to be specifically that she was asked not to use a particular term to describe that not-like

7 months later, 4/16/2019

There is a Neolodge board on our own neopets.gov. Alyson shows up and is polite & sociable until more people that she recognizes filter in. She neomails hollis to broach the subject of what had happened in september, saying “from what i remember it was mostly synth who was very reactionary and aggressively posting at me because i criticised steven universe“ which, if you’ll review the logs, is both not about synth, who only posted twice (probably an honest mistake), but also grossly mischaracterizes the nature of the incident. Over the next day or so she and Hollis discuss the nature of the lodge and what transpired in September. Hollis emphasizes that the Neolodge has never been a place for bigots or their sympathizers, and Alyson goes radio silent.

4/24/2019

Alyson writes a new post. It tells a different narrative than we see play out in the logs. Her summary of events is as follows:

So, when wondering on the chat if anyone else was critical of the franchise, instead the chat suddenly sped up and i was swarmed by a bunch of anti-criticism fans who almost immediately -instead of reading my beginning attempts to elaborate on where i was coming from- posted over and over again that rebecca sugar is a marginalized voice and as such, immune to criticism, and how dare I insinuate a jewish woman of writing nazi apologia.

To reiterate, she began a discussion. Every person who responded was either openly critical of SU or indifferent. They were not suggesting RS is immune to criticism because she’s marginalized; they were in fact largely agreeing with the criticisms that Alyson raised, but asking her to be more conscious of the impact her choice of terms could have (and in fact was having).

I (a neurodivergent, mentally ill, pansexual aromantic woman, aka also a marginalized voice) was talked over and treated as if i ate babies. Obviously, I left the neolodge discord after that.

Again, she held 41% of the conversation--and by her own admission had already been planning to leave the Neolodge, and had thrown down this final ‘litmus test’ despite not wanting to engage with the results.

Now, obviously marginalization isn’t a contest. There’s no “I have more problems” or “I have worse problems” that will ever get us anywhere constructive. As I said in my own reply to her post, this was not a matter of RS being untouchable because she’s marginalized, but of Alyson’s behavior when asked not to draw the comparison between RS’s work and literal N*zi apologia.

Hollis refused to read and think about what i had said and the information i linked to, despite apparently going back in the discord chat and viewing the whole mess, where i had also laid out information to back up my observations. Instead, my voice talked over, my words and concerns discarded, I was treated as if I had committed some heinous act, and if i had changed as a person then maybe they might let me back in to the neolodge.

Now being privy to the entire conversation, I can assure anyone reading this that Hollis read & thought about everything Alyson said very seriously. We had an in-depth and nuanced discussion, and ultimately realized that this was not simply a matter of whether or not SU is a poorly handled cartoon or full-on apologia. It was a matter of Alyson’s unwillingness to engage in a discussion she herself began, her repeated refusals to respect the comfort and wishes of our Jewish members, and her later misconstruals of the conversation as a ‘bombardment’.

Alyson insists she did not call RS a n*zi, and that critiquing the show is not equivalent to doing so, but unfortunately ended that thought with this:

Words mean things: look up apologia.

Now, I’ve already pointed this out, but apologia means “a formal written defense of one’s opinions or conduct.” Thus, every time Alyson has insisted SU is actual, literal N*zi apologia, she means that a Jewish nonbinary woman conceived of and executed an explicit defense of fascism, n*zis, the H*locaust, regardless of how involved she was or wasn’t in the production of the show itself.

Personally, I choose to believe that Alyson herself is unaware of the definition, and instead meant that SU makes excuses for fascism, or alludes to n*zis, or much gentler (if still harmful) language. I choose to believe that she’s conflating it with an apology, and simply didn’t follow her own advice.

The Neolodge is home to actual children/minors/underage people and most of the people in the incident were younger than 21. That is children. I was getting annoyed at young non-adults.

This is blatantly false. The Neolodge has always been a minor-free space, and there’s been discussion of upping the minimum age to 20. That Alyson herself is 30 may have skewed her perception, but as you can see in our response to this angry anon, we have always been concerned with the protection of minors & the promotion of a safe, comfortable atmosphere.

Alyson goes on to say that she had liked & trusted Hollis, and this came with no prior warning--presumably because Hollis had been polite and even friendly when she came to our board, and they hadn’t interacted much over the previous months since her exit from the discord.

So if you’re like me, and don’t put up with bullshit, and refuse to lie down and let bigotry get further footholds into western culture and be lauded for it, consider staying away from the neolodge and users like hollis and synthaphone

I still don’t quite understand how we got here, tbh. People standing up against a stark refusal to respect someone’s comfort as a Jewish person has somehow been skewed to mean they’re the bigots, and “western culture” is in danger, specifically from this gay nb & their nefarious lesbian pal, who spoke the least of anyone in the conversation.

I can’t speak to what’s going through her head right now. I don’t even know if she read the replies enough to know she was spreading misinformation about the Lodge’s age restrictions, let alone her (hopefully accidentally) drawing an obliquely antisemetic portrait of RS. I’m not even mad at her at the moment so much as confused. I genuinely don’t understand her rationale or what she thinks would motivate us to do the things she says we’ve done. I don’t think she’s a bad person, or even that her actions would be unfair if the situation were what she’s purported it to be.

But the fact of the matter is, it isn’t. She tried to start a fight seven months ago and has been hanging onto it since, convinced that she was in the right, never considering the express opinions of the people she claimed were so passionate about the show she so loathes. She’s attempting to drag Hollis’s name through the mud because they were kind enough to give her a chance to explain her side of things & she squandered it by instead parroting the talking points of the video we had all watched back in September, when she originally posted it.

She’s throwing Synth in for good measure, because they’re the only person she could be bothered to identify.

It’s not a true account of events, she made no effort to have a good-faith conversation at any point (particularly about her own behavior), and frankly it’s unfair. It’s easy to dump snippets of DMs and announce that you’re blocking anyone who disagrees with you, sure--it can even be good for you. But in this case it’s more of what we saw all those months ago in the discord, when she tried to stir the pot and left after scarcely 30 posts had gone by; it’s cowardice. It’s a way to frame the narrative in such a way that she can maintain her illusion of moral superiority, secure in the knowledge that everyone who has criticized her or her behavior is a bigot and and writes n*zi "apologia” apologia.

She’s isolating herself from the community one group at a time, and I still don’t know why, because she won’t talk to me about it. She won’t talk to any of us about anything that isn’t SU, and I don’t care about SU. I care about her & her motivations, and I’m starting to accept I’m never going to truly know either.

#neolodge #neotag #skidget #cthulhusquid #bam-monsterhospital #drama #long posts #i did math for this you guys #you don't understand

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intersex-ionality · 5 years ago

Note

Ger Queer (Disabled) Anon: You’re right, I should probably disengage; I realized I was being triggered as I was sending these (yes, actually triggered, I know what it feels like, I’m a survivor so everyone can please not debate the validity of that, thank you). Thank you for your concern; And really, redefining Gen. Trauma like that is … pretty eye-opening, because it puts words to the things I and lots of other queer and disabled folks live with in this country, and cannot name properly. 1/10

But I think it’s also important to note that I wasn’t *just * talking about Generational Trauma. There’s real, legal repercussions and waves of the NS-Regime felt in these communities to this day, both in law and in general attitude of the rest of the population! Denazification was a fucking joke, and these laws either are still in place, or where until not long ago. Again; justice and police are full of Nazis here, too

Secondly, this is an US-centric discussion led almost exclusively by US-Americans and it’s shouting over and tokenizing German marginalized ppl to a horrifying degree. To put it mildly; Germany was an US-proxy-nation for way to long; Ya’lls government put down in ‘45 in writing that, basically, you wanted (West)Germany to be an ideological colony and messed with the new gov and law, overstayed their welcome as ‘liberators’ by about 30 years and stored a whole bunch of Nuclear Warheads here.

Germany is a ‘white, western country’, so Ammis think they know what they are doing, but I can guarantee both sides of this argument that you 100% are missing the majority of nuance, history and current-day insight here. Also, if you really think that as an American you get to tell German marginalized ppl how to interact and grapple with their (traumatizing) history, you are so far out of your lane, you managed to get into opposing traffic on a six-lane high-way.

[cw discussion of slurs, Porajmos] This shit’s complicated and nuanced. Treat it as such. Next: Grouping Jewish and Roma ppl as separate in these discussions is a fucking joke. Roma are closer to how queer ppl where treated in the cultural reprocessing of the Holocaust then they are to Jewish ppl; there used to be laws criminalizing them on the books until the 70’s and the German equivalent of the g*psy-slur and related sentiments are still in widespread use.

I won’t say much more then that because those are quantifiable facts, and the tokenization of Porajmos is already disgusting enough in this discussion. Also, if you’re so hellbend on it, you also have to take the Jehova’s Witnesses, but for some reason no one ever ‘wants’ them. I wonder why.

[cw euthanasia, ableism] There’s also almost no acknowledgment of disabled and mentally ill ppl in this discussion, but I chalk that up to the left’s general unwillingness to interact with ableism and the fact that there’s few woke points to be earned in arguing that injecting newborns with neurotoxins and experimenting on kids with learning disabilities and Neurodivergencies and whatnot wasn’t that bad, actually.

‘Queer ppl can just hide their queerness’; except we can’t. We couldn’t in the 30s: Arrests for Queerness where treated like parking tickets or DUIs back in the day; get arrested, pay a fine, spent a night in the slammer, have your name taken down on the list. Trans ppl used entertainment laws to get ‘cross dressing permits’ and extra passports with their real name and gender; they were all on record. We are out and on record now.

Imagine if the Gov started rounding up ppl for littering-charges and parking tickets, except the ‘littering’ is 30 years worth of data on kissing your significant other in public. Berlin was an international queer heaven, right until the day it wasn’t anymore. At times, there where more openly queer establishments and groups then in LA rn. Again; I chalk this up mostly to ppl having absolutely no clue of our shared history as a community.

I’m not even touching on disability in any of this, really. Basically, I’m begging ppl to consider what the fuck they are talking about. It wasn’t ‘a bit’ of history we lost there, there it wasn’t just a question of ‘going back in the closet’ and it wasn’t over in ‘45. It wasn’t over in ‘94. And now I’ll remove myself from this discussion.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out for us all to read. I don’t read German, and I expect most of my followers don’t either, which makes following German news and media difficult at best. For all that I try to ensure that people who were and are today still impacted by the legacy of the Nazi regime still get to talk about that impact, I know that my understanding is ultimately limited by my experiences.

Even knowing that Germany wasn’t reunified until well after I was born, it honestly never occured to me until this moment to consider how that forced carryover and extension of the legacy of WW2 and American imperialism would impact German culture today, especially queer German culture.

Thank you for explaining things that I would never be able to.

I hope that, in the future, your experiences are given more weight.

I also hope that you recover from the harm that this conversation has done to you so far. I’m sorry you were exposed to it, and I’m sorry that it’s probably going to continue to be a thing, because it’s become such a popular talking point lately.

With any luck, everyone will snap out of this collective nightmare soon.

#Anonymous

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katrinawritesthings · 7 years ago

Text

Junghee/Taeyeon; Fucktown Academy (Part 1/4): PG-13

so hey au where tae goes to a school for Troublemaker Kids (tm) and jung’s the new nanogirl that tae has to show around and it’s just jung never shutting up and tae barely ever talking and both of them being Real Gay

“If we go back here,” Taeyeon mumbles, sticking her hand through the gap between the fence and the gate to finegle the latch open. She shoulders the gate open and tugs Junghee through it and onto the little dirt path that winds away from the library and into the little ravine behind the school. “We’ll go behind the prep dorms and wind up at the observatory.” She points lazily into the distance where they can’t see the top of the building over the rocks.

“Are we allowed to be back here?” Junghee asks as she fits the latch back into place.

“No,” Taeyeon says, and tugs Junghee forward.

ao3

1-2-3-4

What Taeyeon loves the most about her butterfly knife is that the tip of the blade is the perfect shape and size for picking grunk out from under her fingernails. She lies on her bed, one leg bent at the knee and the other crossed over it, foot bobbing lazily in the air, as she works a little speck of dirt away from her pinky. The metallic mint green of it is a nice color too and she’s glad she spent the extra money for that. She rubs the dirt off of the blade with her thumb before wiggling it gently back under her pinky nail to pick out another.

Outside, the sun lowers orange and heavy through her window, warming her skin but thankfully not shining in her eyes. She got in trouble for moving her bed to just the right position to attain that feat, but no one ever actually made her move it back, so. She’s the winner here.

Her pinky nail is getting a little too long, she thinks, so after she finishes cleaning under it she turns her knife and uses it to cut it down to a better size. She flicks the clipped nail in the general direction of her garbage can and holds her pinky close to her face to inspect it better. Yeah. Looks g--

“Taeyeon.” A sharp knock on her door and a sharper voice make her look up. Her knife is flicked closed and slotted into her long sleeve before the dorm leader opens the door without waiting for permission and barges in like usual.

Unlike usual, she’s followed by another person, someone with dark brown eyes and a long brown ponytail and warm golden skin. They have on casual clothes, ripped skinny jeans and a grungy band tshirt, but over their shoulder is a bag and over their arm is a set of school clothes. Taeyeon looks them up and down quietly once before looking back to the authority figure in the room.

“This is Junghee,” she says, placing a hand on Junghee’s shoulder that looks entirely unwanted if the quick scowl Junghee sends her is any indicator. “She’s your new roommate. Be nice. Show her around. And--” she gives Taeyeon a hard, warning look--”Don’t scare this one away.” And then she’s gone, walking back outside and closing the door behind her. Taeyeon snorts at her back. She didn’t scare her old roommates away. They were just too neurotypical for her.

“Hi,” Junghee says, and Taeyeon looks back to her. She doesn’t look scared, or intimidated; just annoyed and grumpy to be here, an emotion that Taeyeon can relate to.

“Hey,” she says, and slips her knife back out of her sleeve. She flips it open to continue doing her nails, foot starting to bob in the air again automatically. “Just throw all my shit on your bed at the end of mine, I’ll clean it up later,” she says, gesturing with her knife to the pile of clothes she’d been throwing on the spare bed on the other side of her room since her last roommate moved out. “Welcome to Fucktown Academy,” she adds in a mumble, remembering the order to be nice. Junghee’s soft snort is barely audible.

“They allow switchblades in Fucktown Academy?” she asks. When Taeyeon glances at her she’s shrugging her bag off of her shoulder and onto her new bed. She looks back to her nails.

“It’s a gravity knife,” she says, “and no.” She shaves off a little extra nail from her pointer finger. “Why, you gonna tell on me?” she asks. She really doesn’t care if Junghee does or not. She has her usual hiding spots for when teachers come snooping in her business. A soft flump at her feet makes her glance up again at the pile of clothes that now sits there.

“I don’t know, are you in here for stabbing someone?” Junghee asks. She’s already turned back to fix her bedsheets out and pick up her pillow to inspect. Taeyeon watches her for another few seconds before focusing on her nails and snorting softly.

“This isn’t jail,” she says. No need to talk like it is. This time Junghee scoffs, yanks the zipper of her bag with a little more force than Taeyeon thinks is usual.

“No, it’s where rich parents send their rulebreaking kids when they’ve gotten into too much trouble and no other schools will take them anymore,” she mutters. “They can act like it’s some regular fancy private school but we all know. It’s like they think we don’t know how to research the shit they’re sending us to. It’s like they don’t care that we know that they’re just dumping us here so they don’t have to deal with us anymore.” Taeyeon hums shortly as she contemplates the length of her middle fingernail. She’s not too far off, honestly.

“You know how fucked up it is, to even have schools like this, by the way?” Junghee adds. Taeyeon hears her pulling stuff out of her bag and tossing it all onto her bed. “Like, just to pile a bunch of troubled kids together and act like fancy uniforms and a prestigious name and constant discipline for the tiniest infractions is the key to ‘fixing’ us instead of, oh, I don’t know, personal attention for each individual child and actually taking the time to understand the reasoning behind their behavior? Not to even fucking mention the disproportionate race populations--you know half these kids wouldn’t be here if they were white--or the higher ratio of neurodivergent and queer and, just, you know, oppressed kids? This whole place is fucked up, don’t get me started.”

Taeyeon hums again as she carefully carves little nicks in her nail to make it pointy like shark teeth. She thought Junghee already had started. So far her first impression of her new roommate is talkative.

“Like, the only reason this place isn’t full of poor kids too is because the school is more interested in taking in money than actually helping the students, and--”

“I’m not in here for stabbing anyone,” Taeyeon says blandly. She glances up to gauge how Junghee feels about being interrupted. She’s glancing back at Taeyeon, just a regular searching look instead of a pissed and offended one. Nice.

“I don’t care about your knife then,” Junghee tells her. She turns back to her bag to keep unpacking her stuff. Taeyeon looks back to her business as well. That’s also nice.

“So what are you in here for then, fellow delinquent?” she asks. Junghee snorts as she pulls out a whole ass pillow from her bag, pink and fluffy, and drops it on top of the school one.

“Forty-seven different reasons, give or take,” she says. “Do you want the long version or the short version?” She glances over her shoulder after she asks to look at Taeyeon like she’s waiting for an answer. Taemin feels like she’ll wind up getting a long story either way, so she shrugs and taps her spiky nail against her thumb to see how it feels.

“Long,” she shrugs. Why not. Junghee nods and moves to start organizing her desk in the corner of the room.

“So the first time I got suspended, I was seven,” she says, pulling out a Sailor Moon figure and placing casually it on the desk. “I don’t really remember all of the details, but. It was Friday, right , during arts and crafts time, and my fucko teacher was being a real shit and--okay, lemme explain him first, actually, it’ll make more sense.”

“And then again in second grade, in the third school, like, there was the most awful little goblin boy, his name was Andrew. And every day, every fucking day he would touch me, because I had to walk passed his desk to get to my desk, right. And I told him every time to get his ugly goblin hands off of me, but of course he didn’t listen, because of course his shitty parents didn’t teach him basic respect, and when I told the teacher she just said that he liked me, to which I replied, “alright then, I guess you won’t mind if I grab your ass every time you walk by me, right?” Which, on top of all the other shit--this was like a month in, remember, so I was already considered a mouthy little shit by the teachers at this school too--got me suspended. And you might be thinking, like, ‘Junghee, why did you threaten the teacher instead of threatening the boy?’ And to which I would say, that I did threaten the boy, when I got back from my suspension, because obviously my teacher wasn’t going to do shit. And then after me warning him for three days--which was honestly a really fucking impressive amount of time to restrain myself--I punched him in the mouth and broke two of his teeth. And of course they didn’t care that it was self-defense. So that’s how I got expelled a third time.”

Junghee has a really pretty profile.

Taeyeon sits with her head in her hand, her fingers stimming with the short hairs of her wavy blonde undercut, her elbow propped up on the desk, and just watches Junghee talk, mildly interested. Junghee is looking down at her literature work, scribbling her way through worksheets and vocab shit without breaking stride in her story. Her nose is soft and round, her lips thick and plush, her jaw sharp and square, her eyelashes long and delicate, her ponytail draped soft and long over her shoulder. There’s something about her face, maybe something in her makeup or her lotion, that makes her skin have the faintest glitter. As she speaks, sometimes, her mouth moves in just the right way that a particular little speck of glitter on her cheek twinkles at Taeyeon.

“Probably wouldn’t have been expelled if it wasn’t right after I got back from being suspended,” she’s saying, a contemplative little puff to her lips. “But, you know. Whatever.” She shrugs and flips her pencil around to erase something. “So then I was schoolless for a while, but not as long as the last time before my parents found me a new place. So, this is still second grade, and I didn’t get expelled again yet, but--”

She’s cut off by the bell ringing to end the class. Taeyeon glances at the clock as she stands up and pulls her bag over her shoulder. Neat. Junghee takes more time to get up because she has to shove all of her work into her bag first, but when she finally stands up, she looks expectantly at Taeyeon.

“Where now, boss?” she asks. Taeyeon snorts at the new title, but reaches to tug once on Junghee’s sleeve to get her to follow.

“Nowhere,” she says. “Lit class is last on Mondays. Now I go back to the dorm and chill.” She gestures blandly in the direction of the dorm rooms as they leave the classroom, then looks at Junghee out of the corner of her eye. “Unless you want a tour of the school,” she adds. That should probably be included in the whole “show her around” thing that she’s supposed to be doing. At the suggestion, though, Junghee scrunches her nose.

“That’ll be so much work,” she mumbles. “I’m tired. Give me a tour on the weekend or something.” She stops at a vending machine in the hallway to get a water bottle. Taeyeon takes it from her hand after she takes her first drink and has a sip for herself, then hits four of the buttons on the machine and kicks it on the left side, then collects the four quarters that tinkle into the change slot, and hands it all back. Junghee takes another drink and pockets the change without commenting on her hacking skills or the theft.

“Anyway,” she says after swallowing. “So second grade, fourth school. By now I’m realizing that all schools are the same bullshit. Kinda early I guess, but we already know I was a cynical little eight year old.”

“Mmhmm,” Taeyeon hums. She stuffs her hands into the pockets of her slacks as they leave the school building. Her fingers play with the half stick of chalk she snapped and stole from math class earlier. The teacher hasn’t said anything but she knows that he knows that someone is fucking with him.

Junghee keeps talking as they walk across the campus to the dorms, and then as they enter the dorms, and then when Taeyeon flops and melts into her bed. Junghee sits on her own bed and pulls out a notebook that Taeyeon didn’t see her using in any of their classes earlier. It looks like there's just short lines of words written, crossed out, and heavily edited; poetry or something. Taeyeon isn’t sure how Junghee plans to write some artsy shit while also telling her life story, but she doesn’t seem to find it difficult at all.

“And it’s like, yeah, I was right, but also, like, I didn’t start to grasp the concept of picking my battles until, like, sophomore year, so,” she says as she reads over what she has written down. Taeyeon closes her eyes and runs her spiky nail back and forth over the pad of her thumb in a very nice new stim as she listens.

And listens, and listens, and listens some more. Junghee can really go on for a while. Taeyeon is impressed; she can’t hold a conversation for more than half an hour without getting a sore throat. Half the time she can’t even talk.

When the sun starts going down she yawns and turns to her side to watch Junghee speak instead of keeping her eyes closed or staring at the ceiling like usual. She’s speaking through a bitten lip as she focuses on her work. Her left hand writes out words and her right plays with her long ponytail. She twists it through her fingers, brushes it slowly, plays with the ends. Taeyeon watches her hair shift and move against her hand in a daze. It looks really soft.

“So, I’m coming up on the end of second grade in this school relatively okay, but, like--”

“Can I play with your hair?” Taeyeon asks. Junghee pauses and looks up; after a few moments, Taeyeon flicks her gaze from her ponytail to her nose and back to pretend to make eye contact for a second. She’s found that that helps in asking for permission for things. After another moment, Junghee shrugs.

“Sure, but you come over here,” she says, pointing at Taeyeon and then to the bed. “I’m not moving.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon mumbles. She takes a deep breath, rolls herself off of the bed, catches herself before she falls all the way, and straightens up with a stretch and a yawn. Digging in her desk drawers first, she pushes aside her collection of color-organized paper hole punch holes and grabs her secret packet of cookies. Then she shuffles over to Junghee’s bed and gets on.

“They let you stash food in here?” Junghee asks, frowning at her cookies. “Sit behind me,” she adds, scooting forward a little.

“No,” Taeyeon says, and offers Junghee a cookie as she wiggles behind her, legs on either side of her hips. “Gonna tell on me?” she asks.

“No,” Junghee says around her cookie. She leans back against Taeyeon, nuzzles into her neck, breathes deep, and lets out a relaxed breath. “So, anyway, I make it to the end of the year fine, but everyone knows I’m loud and feisty or whatever, so everyone’s, like, pre wary of me going into third grade,” she says. Taeyeon thinks it’s rad how she can just pick up where she left off with no problem.

She picks up Junghee’s ponytail and tugs it gently from in front of her to more of the side, where she can run her fingers through its length and appreciate the softness. It’s a relaxing movement for her arm as well and she breathes easy, closing her eyes again and resting her cheek on the top of Junghee’s head. When she’s done with her snack she slips her other arm around Junghee’s waist to hold her close for comfort. This is so nice.

And it’s even nicer when, half an hour later, Junghee reaches behind herself during in her story of her fifth expulsion to tug her hair bobble off. She spreads her fingers to slide it down to bracelet her wrist and then goes back to her writing. Taeyeon at first pouts at the loss of the easy access, but once she threads her fingers all the way through Junghee’s hair a few times, she discovers a very familiar scratchy sensation.

“Oh my god, you have an undercut,” she breathes. Immediately her palm is against the back of Junghee’s head, fingers rubbing the short hairs gently and making her whole hand all tingly. This is incredibly nice. Junghee hums a small noise of agreement in the middle of her story and keeps going.

The bustle and chatter of the cafeteria hurts Taeyeon’s head, but she has a headphone in her right ear and she’s leaning the other side of her head against Junghee’s, so it’s not too overwhelming yet. She can handle it. And Junghee asked her to bring her to the school queers, so she brought Junghee to the school queers. The good ones anyway; the ones that haven’t been assholes to her. Eunsook, Gwi, and Minjung, all in their usual little circle table in the corner of the room, accepted them into their little group easily. Now Junghee sits and munches her way through an ugly school lunch while she talks to her new friends.

Taeyeon already ate during their second class so she just chills, eyes closed, one hand stimming with her spiky nail and the other stimming with Junghee’s undercut. She thinks it’s very nice of Junghee to let her keep doing this near constantly over the passed three days.

The other three asked for the short version of how Junghee got here, which, like Taeyeon expected, is still pretty long. Lunch is almost over and she hasn’t even gotten from her first expulsion to where she was with Taeyeon somewhere in the middle of fourth grade. Taeyeon is only half listening to the review of the story because it helps her keep her mind off of the rest of the noise in the room.

“Did you ever think, like, maybe you should keep your mouth shut?” Minjung asks lazily. “So you wouldn’t get in trouble?”

“No,” Junghee says promptly. “Anyway, so then I told her that she shouldn’t be in charge of children if she didn’t know how to talk to them like they were human beings instead of, like, animals, and maybe she should go be a vet instead since she seemed more qualified for it, which as you can imagine didn’t go down too well with the literal principal, so.” When she shifts to get more comfortable on the bench her thigh rubs and presses against Taeyeon’s. Taeyeon blinks her eyes open sleepily to look down at where their sides are pressed together. Hmm. That’s warm and good.

“Please tell me the rest of the school found out you said that and--”

“Can I hold you in my lap?” Taeyeon asks, tapping the back of Junghee’s head lightly to get her attention.

“Don’t interrupt me,” Gwi snaps. Taeyeon glances up at their little frown, shrugs, and looks back to nudge Junghee’s head with her nose.

“You’re warm,” she murmurs.

“Sure,” Junghee says. She slips her bag off of her lap and moves to sit on top of Taeyeon’s thighs, wiggling to get comfortable as Taeyeon wraps her arms snug around her and fits her chin on her shoulder. Her weight is a heavy pressure that makes Taeyeon feel warm on the inside. Nice.

“I always knew you were a giant lesbian too,” Eunsook says fondly. Taeyeon snorts without looking up.

“Of course I’m a fucking lesbian, have you seen me?” she asks. She doesn’t know what kind of not lesbian would wear as much denim and plaid as she does, or go to the lengths to modify a school uniform to include so much denim and plaid. Plus all the other smaller shit she’s sure Eunsook just picked up on because she also knows the lesbian code.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Junghee says, snapping her fingers. She sounds like she has a broad smirk on her lips as she says, “One time I got expelled because I was talking about my gaydar and then when a cishet tried to straightsplain to me why gaydar is a bad thing I corrected her so thoroughly she ran to the teacher and told them the big mean lesbian--I’m pan--was harassing her.” She finds Taeyeon’s hand on her stomach and lifts it up to the back of her head; Taeyeon rubs her thumb over her undercut again immediately. She guesses Junghee likes it too, then. Rad. “But that was, like, two years ago,” Junghee adds. “Back to third grade.”

Without Junghee’s head to muffle the cafeteria noise, Taeyeon pulls out her other earbud and wiggles it into her left ear. From there, Junghee’s voice is just a quiet murmur and Taeyeon dozes off easily until she’s poked awake for their last class.

“And then here behind the--hup--library,” Taeyeon says, getting her hands on the cracked low wall and hoisting herself up. She drops back down in the dirt on the other side and turns to watch Junghee follow and hold her hand as she hops down. “If you hop that wall and follow that little path right, you’ll wind up hopping another wall and landing in the ugly little lawn gnome habitat the preps have set up by their dorms.” She scrunches her nose in distaste. Like it wasn’t ugly enough that they have a lawn for no reason, they had to populate it with expensive ass high quality gnomes instead of cheap funny ones. A double waste.

“Lawns are such classist trash,” Junghee says as she fixes the school hoodie that she borrowed from Taeyeon around her waist. She said she would give it back once she got around to buying one herself from the school shop, but Taeyeon doesn’t mind. Her entire wardrobe is just hoodies, binders, and jeans. It’s not like she doesn’t have a bunch to spare. And it was one of the hoodies she hadn’t gotten around to sewing weights into yet so she wasn’t going to wear it any time soon anyway. She hums in agreement of Junghee’s continued little grumbles about lawns and slips her arm around her shoulders to tug her forward and to the chain link fence that encloses this little area.

“If we go back here,” she mumbles, sticking her hand through the gap between the fence and the gate to finegle the latch open. She shoulders the gate open and tugs Junghee through it and onto the little dirt path that winds away from the library and into the little ravine behind the school. “We’ll go behind the prep dorms and wind up at the observatory.” She points lazily into the distance where they can’t see the top of the building over the rocks.

“Are we allowed to be back here?” Junghee asks as she fits the latch back into place.

“No,” Taeyeon says, and tugs Junghee forward.

“Thought so,” Junghee mutters, and follows. “This wasn’t what I meant when I asked for a tour, you know. You’re not in here for trespassing, are you?” she asks.

“No,” Taeyeon says again.

“Mm,” Junghee hums, and then, “Where was I?” she asks.

“Fifth grade, school one, suspension one,” Taeyeon says.

“Right,” Junghee says. “So, like, I didn’t get expelled, yet, but that was the first time I got suspended at this school, so I had the reputation and the warning, you know? Though this wasn’t like a bad reputation or anything, like, everyone knew it was just a technicality, and like, the rubber chicken thing was awesome, so. I’m good so far.” The sun peeps at them through thin layers of clouds, too covered up to be warm but not covered enough to stop shining into Taeyeon’s eyes if she looks the wrong way. Inconvenient.

She slips her hand up to rub Junghee’s undercut again. She couldn’t do this yesterday because yesterday Junghee decided to spend her Friday night doing whatever it is that the queers do on Friday nights. Taeyeon saw them chilling outside the music store when she biked over to the town to grab the week’s new comic book releases, so she guesses it was that. She’s glad they had a nice time.

This is a nice time too, just walking through the ravine with a cute nanogirl under her arm. Taeyeon should do this more often. Maybe when it gets warmer. For now, she yawns into the back of her hand and stares at their feet as they kick up little poofs of dirt.

“What’s through that tunnel there?”

“What’s what?” Taeyeon asks. She looks up, confused, at Junghee, who’s looking at her, also confused. Junghee points behind her.

“The t--”

“Oh, the tunnel, yeah,” Taeyeon says as her processing catches up. She knows what Junghee meant, yeah. The little walkway in the rocks behind her that’s only blocked off by an easily hoppable fence and a vandalized “keep out” sign. She glances at it as they pass. “It goes to a path from the train tracks to almost all the way around the school,” she says, pointing a vague circle in the air. “It ends at that dirt path by the parking lot. Also it branches off again to a secret little beach, but sand puts me into sensory hell, so.” They’re not going there. Junghee hums shortly at her answer. Taeyeon doesn’t know what that means but she also feels like she doesn’t really have to, so. Whatever.

“Oh, wait,” she says suddenly, stopping short. That reminds her. “Here,” she says. She pulls Junghee to a small tree and sits down with her back against it. “Here,” she says again, and fumbles in her bag for the snacks she brought. “Hungry.” She’s not actually hungry, she thinks, but she can never really tell what the fuck her tummy wants from her so she finds it’s easier to just eat something every few hours anyway. She pulls out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then holds out her bag.

“Oh, sure, thanks,” Junghee says. She sits cross legged across from Taeyeon and takes an apple and the bag of peanut butter cracker sandwiches. “Do the staff know about the secret beach?” she asks. Taeyeon pauses for a moment, thinking, and then shrugs. She’s sure some of the older staff do but she doesn’t know how much this year’s round of prefects and new teachers know. Junghee shrugs back at her and leans back on one hand to look around.

“This is so plant gay,” she mumbles. She reaches into her own bag and pulls out her notebook. Flipping it open to a green little tab, she finds a fresh page and starts writing. Taeyeon reads “plant gay and pb&j” upside down and nods. That’s gonna be a song about her all right. As she writes and eats, Junghee continues on with her life story. Taeyeon is again impressed with how well she can multitask. She can barely eat and pay attention at the same time, but she does her best because so far tiny fifth grade Junghee is turning out to be a real crackerjack.